Dark Moon Vision Quest
I have been a bit quiet on the communication front but hey, I’ve been busy managing my body’s warzone.
My troops have been marching through mastitis, shingles, wild vertigo and migraines, and as I write this, I still have my four-month old breast abscess plus the new addition of a killer head cold.
And I couldn’t give less of a fuck.
You see, this Dark Moon, I’m giving up something I have never attempted to give up before.
Something I’ve never thought was allowed.
This Dark Moon on the 19th October, I’m letting go of trying to fix myself.
Because I finally realised something profound – every time I get some new ailment, it’s actually my body trying to talk to me.
I always rush to try and fix it, but I don’t take the time to listen to what the messages are.
I don’t make any lasting changes to my everyday behaviour and stupidly continue to believe that my body is separate to what’s going on in my mind.
I pretend that my 28 year struggle with menstrual migraines is temporary and are just a fix away… I don’t happily cohabit with them, support them, or really listen to what it is that they are trying to show me.
I believe that if I can just fix this or that by seeing the right healer, everything will work out for me and my body
But my body knows better and knows what she needs.
So, she stepped it up a notch and despite thousands of dollars in appointments, she decimated my usual fix-it behaviour with a breast infection that turned into an abscess, holding an excruciating 100ml of pus and blood in a part of my body I usually associate with pleasure, femininity and sexiness.
Even after my breast burst, I still didn’t take action or make changes to my everyday life.
So my breast refilled, and the abscess forced me out of participating in my Vision Quest as part of my Four Seasons Journey with the School of Shamanic Womancraft.
I then realised there was something bigger at play here.
Something that wanted me to listen.
Something that wanted me to pay attention.
Something that wanted me to get to the bottom of what my body was trying to tell me, plus still do my Vision Quest.
So I did it my way.
I set up a tent (actually, a Castle Tent – my in-law’s awesome camper trailer) in my suburban backyard and did not enter my house for 4 days.
Yup, I did my Vision Quest in my own backyard.
The doctor said I couldn’t go in the bush for 8 days and on a solo quest fasting for 4 days… but she didn’t mention anything about not doing it at home.
I didn’t eat, I only drank water from my garden hose, I weed on my grass, I cried, I watched the clouds, I burnt Resonant Aromatics incense, I raged, I laughed, I listened to the birds, I hallucinated.
24 hours in, I thought I was going to DIE of hunger pangs, and between me and you, I did actually chew on two blades of grass…
You see, I was so desperate to have something in my mouth but even then, I knew it wasn’t just about being hungry.
I realised that I drink and eat so many times during the day, just so that I don’t have to deal with the uncomfortable thoughts in my head.
And there were a lot of uncomfortable thoughts in my head over those three cold nights and four long days, and I had no way of escaping them.
I had to meet those thoughts and understand them to truly empty myself of them.
I had so many visions and realisations about my life – past, present and future, that I filled an entire journal with my thoughts and used up the ink of three pens.
I know there’s the making of a book in there somewhere, but for now, I’m going to focus on one of the gifts of my Vision Quest, starting with this New Moon intention…
This New Moon on the 20th October, I welcome in P L E A S U R E in any way that I can have it in my current life as a stay at home mum.
A shower, a ray of sunlight, the smell of jasmine flowering in my garden, a sneaky piece of chocolate, a solo orgasm, a new lipstick that I put on just to leave the house to buy veges for dinner.
I’m going to do what I can to feel pleasure every day, and in doing so, show my breast that I’m learning how to nurture myself.
And slowly slowly, with my journey into pleasure, I feel that my breast will soften and my heart open.
My Vision Quest may have been 40 years in the making but it was all so simple:
I just needed to be still enough.
I just needed to empty myself enough.
I just needed to stop fixing myself and realise I already am enough.
I need to hear more stories about strong women leading beauty-filled and spiritual lives, and so I created Empress Crow and Rabbit. It’s a forum to showcase the inspirational stories of women in uniquely feminine careers. It's also a bridge between what we think we know and what we feel is right. Thank you for joining me – let’s all learn, grow and celebrate the feminine together.
Photo credit: Lucy Spartalis